Is Haiti my baby?!

So, it feels like just about everyone in my life is pregnant!  The majority of my co-workers are all expecting.  Many of my friends have recently had children or are expecting and I could not be more excited for them all!  Really, it is amazing to watch my good friends, amazing women who I have known for years, hold a new baby and fully embrace parenthood – its ups and downs.  Their children bring out the intricacies of my friends’ personalities.  They show the world how responsible, responsive and loving they can be.

In high school, when we would make lists of who was going to get married first, or have children first, I was always at the top of the list.  Yes, I have always loved children, yes, I feel pretty comfortable with any age and no, I don’t mind the undesirables like spit up or stinky diapers.  At this point, I feel ok with not having a child of my own.  Would I like one or two someday? Absolutely…but now is not my time. 

As I was reflecting one day, I started thinking about all that goes into preparing for a baby.  There are the practical things like decorating a nursery, and buying clothes or diapers.  Then there are mental and emotional preparations that, from what I gather, go in stages.  The initial shock or excitement starts to tingle and bubble inside you.  Keeping your news from family and friends is challenging.  Next is the reality that parenthood is now inevitable.  Everything you have known will change and you will need to cater to the needs of others in a very real way.  Then, there is a nesting phase where parents busily prepare a safe, warm and cozy home for the new little one; their final preparations for their long awaited gift. 

As I have been processing through all of this, I got to thinking, is Haiti my baby?  As much as I try not to think about an on-going ministry there, everyday I feel bombarded by this desire to know how things are going, to be there again and support and encourage the people that are trying desperately to hold fast to the god they so strongly believe in. 

So, here is the analogy, if you care to believe it…

Right now, being in Haiti on a more long-term basis is presenting a lot of practical challenges.  I feel stressed thinking about the material things I would give up, the costs of giving up a great job with benefits at the very time school loans will start appearing on my bill and the uncertainty of my financial or professional future.  Just like expecting parents, this provides a bit of uneasiness and some sticker shock. 

When I am able to get past the practical challenges, the mental and emotional preparations are intense and often ebb and flow by the day.  Some days I wake up completely sure that god wants me in Haiti and that I need to just say YES! and let the rest fall in line.  Other days I want to crawl inside a deep hole and hide from the god that is knocking at the door, asking me to take this crazy leap of faith.  New or soon-to-be parents often ride this roller coaster of uncertainty as well.  Some of my closest friends have wanted these babies so badly, but there are moments when the reality of bringing life into the world is overwhelming and scary. 

So that’s where I am…with this tiny possibility taking shape inside me that might grow into something that will change my life forever.  Fortunately, it doesn’t come with an aversion to tuna, a craving for pickles, or the daunting task of choosing the right baby name!  A good friend said, have the meetings you need to have, get all the information, and most of all pray that god will tell you what to do.  

Your prayers are welcome.

Thanks for reading!