So, it feels like just about everyone in my life is
pregnant! The majority of my co-workers
are all expecting. Many of my friends
have recently had children or are expecting and I could not be more excited for
them all! Really, it is amazing to watch
my good friends, amazing women who I have known for years, hold a new baby and
fully embrace parenthood – its ups and downs.
Their children bring out the intricacies of my friends’
personalities. They show the world how
responsible, responsive and loving they can be.
In high school, when we would make lists of who was going to
get married first, or have children first, I was always at the top of the list. Yes, I have always loved children, yes, I
feel pretty comfortable with any age and no, I don’t mind the undesirables like
spit up or stinky diapers. At this
point, I feel ok with not having a child of my own. Would I like one or two someday? Absolutely…but
now is not my time.
As I was reflecting one day, I started thinking about all
that goes into preparing for a baby. There
are the practical things like decorating a nursery, and buying clothes or
diapers. Then there are mental and
emotional preparations that, from what I gather, go in stages. The initial shock or excitement starts to
tingle and bubble inside you. Keeping
your news from family and friends is challenging. Next is the reality that parenthood is now
inevitable. Everything you have known
will change and you will need to cater to the needs of others in a very real
way. Then, there is a nesting phase
where parents busily prepare a safe, warm and cozy home for the new little one;
their final preparations for their long awaited gift.
As I have been processing through all of this, I got to
thinking, is Haiti my baby? As much as I
try not to think about an on-going ministry there, everyday I feel bombarded by
this desire to know how things are going, to be there again and support and
encourage the people that are trying desperately to hold fast to the god they
so strongly believe in.
So, here is the analogy, if you care to believe it…
Right now, being in Haiti on a more long-term basis is
presenting a lot of practical challenges.
I feel stressed thinking about the material things I would give up, the
costs of giving up a great job with benefits at the very time school loans will
start appearing on my bill and the uncertainty of my financial or professional
future. Just like expecting parents, this
provides a bit of uneasiness and some sticker shock.
When I am able to get past the practical challenges, the
mental and emotional preparations are intense and often ebb and flow by the
day. Some days I wake up completely sure
that god wants me in Haiti and that I need to just say YES! and let the rest
fall in line. Other days I want to crawl
inside a deep hole and hide from the god that is knocking at the door, asking
me to take this crazy leap of faith. New
or soon-to-be parents often ride this roller coaster of uncertainty as
well. Some of my closest friends have
wanted these babies so badly, but there are moments when the reality of
bringing life into the world is overwhelming and scary.
So that’s where I am…with this tiny possibility taking shape
inside me that might grow into something that will change my life forever. Fortunately, it doesn’t come with an aversion
to tuna, a craving for pickles, or the daunting task of choosing the right baby
name! A good friend said, have the
meetings you need to have, get all the information, and most of all pray that
god will tell you what to do.
Your prayers are welcome.
Thanks for reading!
