On Doing And Being

I have had this complex lately.  A feeling of not being enough, of not doing enough.  I’m telling you it is toxic and not how god wants us to live. 

On a recent trip to Haiti I had these same feelings.  I was there, meeting with people, connecting with potential new partners.  During the same week a group was there hosting medical and soul care clinics, women’s, men’s and pastor’s seminars and doing a lot of stuff.  The first few days I felt useless, unnecessary and to be honest, a little like a fraud.  I felt this extreme sense that their work was more valuable, more impactful, more necessary in some way.  To be honest, it felt yucky and depressing and part of me just wanted to turn around and go home. 

But then Monday came and I was reunited with old Haitian friends.  Our connections give me purpose.  Our mutual love and respect for each other is enough.  I remembered that I can be who I am and make a difference.  One of the main reasons I continue to travel to Haiti is to remind people that they matter.  To make sure all are seen and heard and their voice is valuable to the change they want to see in their country.  I would love to see more being on this little island.  It’s the being that leads to the doing by Haitians.  Empowerment, community, connection.

Body Image

Being in Haiti has a way of helping you rethink things.  Sure the normal things would be: how much excess you have, how much faith it takes to totally rely on God to meet your basic needs and how little time we take on seeing and hearing people.  I have experienced these many times.  But I have an example from this short trip that is a little different.  This time I was able to rethink myself and my purpose. 

On Sunday, we had the pleasure of going to Pastor Joussaint’s church in Williamson.  I have known him and his family for 7 years and it is always good to reconnect with them.  After church his second oldest daughter came over to me and said, “Do you remember me?  I do not think you remember me!” I looked her in the eye and said, “Yes, Jose, I remember you.  I have known you since you were a little girl.”  “Ok,” she said, “Ou gwo!” which literally translates to “You fat!”  Now, this is not the first time I’ve heard this, so it doesn’t phase me much, but what she said next changed my perspective and is still resonating with me today.  Through the help of an interpreter, she went on to tell me that she feels like I have finally grown into my body and it is beautiful.  In Haiti, being a curvy woman with little padding is something desired and appreciated.  However, her way of expressing this also made me feel whole, confident, complete, matured.  Now, I firmly feel like everyone should constantly be learning and growing, but every once and awhile it’s nice to hear you have arrived.  This was not just a compliment this was recognition of the woman I have become.  How’s that for body image?!  This is the whole body god gave me: heart, mind, soul and flesh, and it is my job to nourish, protect and use it to help others.  In a world that is often driven by people who are louder, pushier or let’s face it, powerful men, it was a reminder that I can and will have a voice and can and will continue to fight for others to be heard as well.