Two weeks ago my paster, Tyler, preached about going deeper. Specifically he chose to to focus on Jeremiah, a biblical character that I didn't know much about. I decided to read up on Jeremiah to understand the man who was invited by god to be a faithful servant.
As I read through Jeremiah's character profile in my NIV Study Bible I was not surprised to find that for over 40 years Jeremiah had tirelessly devoted his life to serving god, preaching god's word, sticking to the truth that he knew about the future of his nation and remaining steadfast in faith. He was often ignored, treated rudely or unfairly and was deprived of the material things that were thought to symbolize "success."
Tyler's sermon focused mostly on Jeremiah's call to service which happened when he was a young boy. God said, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart. I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah responded to god's invitation by claiming, "I am only a child." God replied, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' Do not be afraid...for I am with you."
In my bible, there are very handy study notes for most verses and the notes for this passage hit me hard. I have been struggling for answers, struggling for decisions, not knowing who, what, where, when and how to invest my life and feeling a time crunch to choose. It can sometimes be so overwhelming to think about plan A or B that sometimes I ignore the possibilities all together. I think, like Jeremiah, that I am only one person or I don't have the courage or strength to answer that call. And then I read, "When you find yourself avoiding something you know you should do...[God] will provide all you need to do it."
So here is the deal. I am never going to be fully prepared or fully 100% sure that I know what to do. But, my desire to put all my "ducks in a row" and align my future is hindering my ability to really listen and follow god's call. I am in a state of confusion and feeling torn. Should I be ministering in Haiti or continuing my life in MN? Is it possible to do both and feel fully present and not deplete my resources?
So I am waiting, patiently, for myself to respond to that invitation from god. The opportunity where my greatest strengths can be used for the greatest good. I think on many levels I am waiting for my practical self to catch up with my spiritual self. I have decided not to shy away from the fact that I will not be fully ready, fully prepared or able to know how my story will proceed. That's what faith is for.
