clarity

I know I have not done the best at keeping in touch with god.  I am guilty and have missed out on conversations I could have had.  But we cannot dwell on the past, only move forward with hearts and souls open to whatever god desires of us.  A common prayer that I have been lifting up during the past six months is for clarity.  The interesting thing is, it is not specific to any one thing but everything.  An affirmation that the choices I am making, the life I am leading, is truly what god has designed for me.  I have this need to know that I am not getting in the way.  On some levels, that seems like I am trying to micromanage god (something I don’t like in the workplace or in the mission field).  It feels like undermining the one who has gone before me, has created me, and who is always working and living through me.  On the other hand, it brings a real intentionality to how I choose to live my life, who I chose to share it with and what I can learn in the process.  I used to think there would be some magical signpost, illuminating “my path” and solidifying that I was on the right track.  Most of the time I let my gut and rational thought help out.  There are times when I have felt that overwhelming since of peace wash over me that lets me know this is right for right now.  My dad asked me this morning on our way to the airport if I was nervous or anxious or if traveling to Haiti was just old hat.  I could honestly answer, “no” I am not anxious, or nervous, but thinking about I now, it is not because I have been here before.  It’s because I truly believe in a god that is with me all the time, protecting me, supporting me and allowing me to be a part of life happening right now.  A friend of mine reminded me of this with Joshua 1:9 tonight, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  Being kind, loving and empowering to others is not hard and it is what god has called me to do.  I happen to be so fortunate to do it many places around the world.  And although it seems simple, that is god’s plan for me, so I guess I am not really getting in the way…

a revelation...

A few weekends ago, I went a on a spur of the moment road trip with some great friends.  We didn’t quite know where we were going and, at times, left our decisions up to the fate of a lucky penny!!  On Sunday, we managed to find a church in Ames, IA.  This masterpiece of a “mega church” had all the stops – stadium seating, a child care check in system that assigns your child a barcode and three jumbo-tron screens!! It was a very different feel than the church home I have here in Minneapolis.  However, an interesting thing happened during the message that morning.  In the midst of a sermon wrapping up a study on Romans, I had a revelation. 

The pastor was speaking about Paul and his letters to various communities and his emphasis that part of being a follower of Christ is to DO something about it!  He mentioned several ways to show that you “get it.”  He reminded all of us in attendance of our call to “live life as a sacrifice.”  I have been praying about this for months now, asking God if I am truly supposed to give up all I have to serve the people of Haiti.  Sell my possessions; give up the conveniences or presumed safety of my home.  All of the sudden I had a revelation.  A revelation that to "live a life of sacrifice" might not be the physical sacrifices that I have been considering.  None of my earthly possessions or conveniences matter as much to me.  I know I could live without.  Instead, it is the painful, gut-wrenching and sad emotional sacrifices that come from being away from Haiti right now.  Those are the sacrifices I am living with to try to listen to and discern where God wants me.  Being away from a country that for some reason brings me great peace, being away from people I love more than I thought I could love, living and breathing each day knowing how good I have it, feeling like I am letting others down by failing to be totally present.

Here I thought, why is this not happening?  I am totally willing to go, Lord, send me!  When God finally turned on my light switch and said, this is your challenge…live your life each day for me, don’t wait until you have moved to Haiti, continue to serve me and my people and show my love to all those you meet.  Help each inhabitant of this earth see that they matter.  The sacrifice is that I love being in Haiti, but can’t be there every day right now.  The lesson is that I will never have all the answers, but if I listen closely, every once and awhile, God gives me a few clues.   

Traditions

Traditions are an important part of everyone’s culture.  The holidays, for my family and me, are steeped in tradition. When it comes to food, there is always lefse, chocolate mint sandwich cookies, and eggnog.  Typically there are Swedish meatballs or ham balls and company hash browns.  We usually sing Christmas songs in four-part harmony at least once, light the advent wreath and exchange gifts on Christmas Eve.  In addition, there are favorite holiday movies to watch, Muppets Christmas Carol, How the Grinch Stole Christmas and The Santa Clause (1, 2, &3) to name a few.  Christmas at home (and sometimes abroad) includes a worship service with either a lively pageant and/or a contemplative candlelight service. 

My family recently watched the Muppets Christmas Carol, and for the first time the wisdom of this story spoke to me.  Live in the past, present and future.  You know the story: the humbug Ebenezer Scrooge is met by three spirits each hoping to change his attitude and open his heart to the world around him.  In a matter of a few pages, or in our case less than two hours of sidesplitting muppet humor, Scrooge discovers that his past reminds him of true love and happiness as a young man and the choices he made to further his career.  He is blindsided by the image his community has of him and his selfish and greedy ways and he is faced with the prospect of leaving this earth unloved and unwanted by anyone.

As I experienced this movie this year, I was overcome with the notion that we must not solely live in one of these three worlds.  Our lives are meant to fulfill many purposes.  We might be a comforter for someone, an encourager for another, or a warrior for whatever it is that drives our deepest passions.  We also might need to take time to regroup, to realign what it is that we feel called to do.  By looking back into our past we can learn from mistakes and successes, cherish memories and notice what brings us joy and what causes pain. 

By living the in the present we are called to truly focus on the here and now.  What am I choosing today and how does it affect me, my family, friends and neighbors worldwide?  The choices I make have an impact on our whole world and I can choose to see it and act accordingly…or not. 

Living in the future is hard for me.  Although I am mostly an optimist, I am also a self-diagnosed “catastrophizor.”  I often play out scenarios in my head that, of course, end badly.  It was my mom that finally made me realize that “different” isn’t always “bad.”  And that, for me is where faith takes over.  I am coming to realize that when I catastrophize, I am basically saying I can’t do it, or more shockingly, god can’t do it.  It is true that the future is unpredictable.  You can think you are on a particular path and then suddenly, your gifts are being used in very different ways.  What you need in illuminating your path is the faith and wisdom to be present, learn from your past and not be afraid of your future – whatever it may be. 

Black Friday

Senye,

Ede nou pa atache ak batanklan.

Nou ka gen kat wob jodi a, men petet I’a gen yon jou ke nou pa gen ditou.

Ede n’ atache nou a pawol Bondye.

Lord,

Help us not connect ourselves to things.

We may have four dresses today, but maybe there will be a time when we won’t have any.

Help us to connect ourselves to God’s Word.

These are the words I read on Black Friday night, of all nights…from my Creole book of Haitian proverbs called God Is No Stranger by Eleanor Turnball.  I had been thinking about excess since that morning. 

It is hard for me to prepare and eat more than I need.  But I do it. 

It is hard to buy things because I want them and they are on sale.  But I do it.  And then I feel guilty.  But I don’t return it…well not all of it. 

It is hard to be happy and excited about holidays when I, for the life of me, cannot stop thinking about what people are doing in Haiti and in other areas of extreme poverty. 

I hate to say it, but I sometimes I wish I could forget it.  It would be so much easier.  But as much as I try, each day comes and I spend time distracted.  Distracted from my family, distracted from my job, distracted from my friends and what is going on in my current “present.”

It is consuming and yucky and frustrating because I feel like I don’t know how to explain it to others and therefore come across as being crabby and crumudgigny…

I don't want to be this way.  I feel like I used to be a really happy and go-lucky person.  Now I think maybe I was naïve.  Not able to see the disparity, hurt, greed and selfishness of this world.  Now that I see it, I would love to turn the other way and not do anything, but I can’t.  These realizations have, in a way, extinguished my light, my joy, and made me feel very alone.  

Now I need to figure out a way to spread that light again…be the person that I am meant to be.  To truly be a part of things that matter.  To take these newly uncovered realities and figure out how god wants me to use my awareness for the betterment of others.  In addition, I must start remembering the joy that comes with being able to wake up each day knowing that I am beloved and supported not only by my family and friends, but by an amazing act of faith in an all knowing god.  There is a reason for this phase in my life and I intend to use it as a learning tool.    

Is Haiti my baby?!

So, it feels like just about everyone in my life is pregnant!  The majority of my co-workers are all expecting.  Many of my friends have recently had children or are expecting and I could not be more excited for them all!  Really, it is amazing to watch my good friends, amazing women who I have known for years, hold a new baby and fully embrace parenthood – its ups and downs.  Their children bring out the intricacies of my friends’ personalities.  They show the world how responsible, responsive and loving they can be.

In high school, when we would make lists of who was going to get married first, or have children first, I was always at the top of the list.  Yes, I have always loved children, yes, I feel pretty comfortable with any age and no, I don’t mind the undesirables like spit up or stinky diapers.  At this point, I feel ok with not having a child of my own.  Would I like one or two someday? Absolutely…but now is not my time. 

As I was reflecting one day, I started thinking about all that goes into preparing for a baby.  There are the practical things like decorating a nursery, and buying clothes or diapers.  Then there are mental and emotional preparations that, from what I gather, go in stages.  The initial shock or excitement starts to tingle and bubble inside you.  Keeping your news from family and friends is challenging.  Next is the reality that parenthood is now inevitable.  Everything you have known will change and you will need to cater to the needs of others in a very real way.  Then, there is a nesting phase where parents busily prepare a safe, warm and cozy home for the new little one; their final preparations for their long awaited gift. 

As I have been processing through all of this, I got to thinking, is Haiti my baby?  As much as I try not to think about an on-going ministry there, everyday I feel bombarded by this desire to know how things are going, to be there again and support and encourage the people that are trying desperately to hold fast to the god they so strongly believe in. 

So, here is the analogy, if you care to believe it…

Right now, being in Haiti on a more long-term basis is presenting a lot of practical challenges.  I feel stressed thinking about the material things I would give up, the costs of giving up a great job with benefits at the very time school loans will start appearing on my bill and the uncertainty of my financial or professional future.  Just like expecting parents, this provides a bit of uneasiness and some sticker shock. 

When I am able to get past the practical challenges, the mental and emotional preparations are intense and often ebb and flow by the day.  Some days I wake up completely sure that god wants me in Haiti and that I need to just say YES! and let the rest fall in line.  Other days I want to crawl inside a deep hole and hide from the god that is knocking at the door, asking me to take this crazy leap of faith.  New or soon-to-be parents often ride this roller coaster of uncertainty as well.  Some of my closest friends have wanted these babies so badly, but there are moments when the reality of bringing life into the world is overwhelming and scary. 

So that’s where I am…with this tiny possibility taking shape inside me that might grow into something that will change my life forever.  Fortunately, it doesn’t come with an aversion to tuna, a craving for pickles, or the daunting task of choosing the right baby name!  A good friend said, have the meetings you need to have, get all the information, and most of all pray that god will tell you what to do.  

Your prayers are welcome.

Thanks for reading!

  

Jeremiah - not just a bullfrog

Two weeks ago my paster, Tyler, preached about going deeper.  Specifically he chose to to focus on Jeremiah, a biblical character that I didn't know much about.  I decided to read up on Jeremiah to understand the man who was invited by god to be a faithful servant.

As I read through Jeremiah's character profile in my NIV Study Bible I was not surprised to find that for over 40 years Jeremiah had tirelessly devoted his life to serving god, preaching god's word, sticking to the truth that he knew about the future of his nation and remaining steadfast in faith.  He was often ignored, treated rudely or unfairly and was deprived of the material things that were thought to symbolize "success."

Tyler's sermon focused mostly on Jeremiah's call to service which happened when he was a young boy.  God said, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.  Before you were born I set you apart.  I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  Jeremiah responded to god's invitation by claiming, "I am only a child."  God replied, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.'  Do not be afraid...for I am with you."

In my bible, there are very handy study notes for most verses and the notes for this passage hit me hard.      I have been struggling for answers, struggling for decisions, not knowing who, what, where, when and how to invest my life and feeling a time crunch to choose.  It can sometimes be so overwhelming to think about plan A or B that sometimes I ignore the possibilities all together.  I think, like Jeremiah, that I am only one person or I don't have the courage or strength to answer that call.  And then I read, "When you find yourself avoiding something you know you should do...[God] will provide all you need to do it."

So here is the deal.  I am never going to be fully prepared or fully 100% sure that I know what to do.  But, my desire to put all my "ducks in a row" and align my future is hindering my ability to really listen and follow god's call.  I am in a state of confusion and feeling torn.  Should I be ministering in Haiti or continuing my life in MN?  Is it possible to do both and feel fully present and not deplete my resources?

So I am waiting, patiently, for myself to respond to that invitation from god.  The opportunity where my greatest strengths can be used for the greatest good.  I think on many levels I am waiting for my practical self to catch up with my spiritual self.  I have decided not to shy away from the fact that I will not be fully ready, fully prepared or able to know how my story will proceed.  That's what faith is for.